Date: 1st October 1, 2005
Place: A weirdly named building called Puncak marina on the island of Java more specifically in a place called Surabaya and very specifically on the 16th floor of this particular building and to be Google Map specific, the double bed in the master bedroom of the apartment numbered 5 by the Foul mouthing (read Bahasa speaking) management of this building presently occupied by Yours truly…
Time of start of catastrophe: noon, 15th June, 1982 (oops I forgot we were talking about this particular event and not the cause of all troubles of the world. Cancel that one out. Do send me cards if you will to celebrate your superiority over at least one specimen of the humanoid species on this particular date every year) anyway correct that last piece of information to read 6:30 a.m.
Dear God,
This is for your kind information that iPod and me have safely landed in India. I hope this letter finds you in the pink of health though I am sure that the news of me plaguing the country of Bapu on his 136th birth anniversary will not leave you in the best of spirits but for that travesty of fate kindly direct your wrath on the Singapore Airlines not me. I can see that you have already bombed Bali to express your displeasure against the fact that the confounded country was unable to snuff out my existence when it had the chance and please accept my condolences in this hour of grief for you. Better luck next time.
At the risk of inviting further wrath (like that has a chance of getting bet on) may I congratulate you on some pretty commendable minions that you sent across to make my journey back home a living hell but I guess your torture school will have to up the ante a little to extinguish this plague. The entire routine of getting me late in the morning by making me forget to set my alarm on the one day that mattered was an absolute stroke of genius I must admit. And may I take this opportunity to tender my apologies for starting the day with three unforgivable F***(s) but a man has to motivate himself after all. And while we are in the process of mutual admiration, you must admit that I outdid myself by turning in the apartment at the cost of just one broken glass within half an hour and within the security deposit. You must have really felt bad on seeing that superintendent have to let me go without laying a finger on me and accepting the apartment back but you did live to fight another hour didn’t you?
I must say that I was surprised to find that you didn’t go to the lengths of depriving me of a taxi at the opportune moment or at the least bring down the mother of all traffic jams to leave me stranded without even the linguistic capabilities to mouth communicative expletives to the people that mattered. Now that you look at it, I think you realize that was the biggest mistake wasn’t it? You could have had me right there. But hindsight is after all 20/20. No harm done. I must admit though that you did more than make up for your mistake there.
Ready though I was for your Halloween tricks on the airport, I did not appreciate that one about making me trudge the entire length of the place without any one game for dumb charades. That was a cheap shot but I guess we do have to be bigger men and look over this. I forgive you for that. I would really like to know though your thoughts at the time I discovered that your camouflaged entrance. I am sure it must have been disappointment to see me achieve that task without the need for Hercules but I guess I did provide enough entertainment later to help you get over the shock.
At this time I must acknowledge your brilliance. I mean that thing about you being the ultimate strategist does have some truth in it after all. I doubt if the worst Jaffars in history could have upped the following villainy. Stupendously fantastic I must admit. I mean who would have ever thought up of making me almost cry on account of the baggage that I was carrying. You are after all God aren’t you? You didn’t make me have excess baggage. No that wouldn’t have been your style. I mean where’s the supremacy in that? You, on the other hand presented me with an optimization problem. I must tell you though that I did not realize that you were spying on me sleeping in Mausi’s class. How else could you have known that Newton-Rhaphson iteration that she droned about and I only dreamt about would be the one thing that would save my life and I would of course not be armed with the correct tools for the occasion. Man I got to hand it to you. Let me just word the problem for the benefit of the uninitiated reader here
“Cabin bag plus check in luggage within the total weight limit. Check in baggage more than twice independent weight limit. Weights of shirts, pants, underpants, half used bars of soap inside cabin baggage unknown. Optimize the weight of the check in bag and the cabin bag so that the chief bitch of stewardesses would allow you to board the plane.”
I could have so made an excel sheet of the same problem but all I managed to make was a sight of myself. Sprawled on the floor of the check in counter with my bags spewing knickers and snackers all over the place, I could have cried if someone had just asked me to. That reminds me – thank you for not asking me to! An overly obese extremely dark unpolaroidworthy face has difficulty in justifying its presence in public as it is. Coupled with salty tear droplets and I am sure I would have nudged the Bali bomber from the top place in the news that day purely for disgust value.
Must have been a pretty sucky feeling to see your perfect plan go a begging and me walking into the lounge but well a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. No hard feelings I hope (I know that’s wishful thinking but no harm in applying to your better judgment is there?) Tell me something though, that spilling of the entire Pringle’s pack was planned or was that entirely on the spur of the moment? If I didn’t know you better I would say that you had planned this also but I guess this had you at your improvisational best written all across it. I guess seeing me do the mop up was a pretty satisfying experience but you would have definitely wanted to do much better.
What happened to you in Singapore? I mean an entire 4 hours and you didn’t conjure up any dark force to pick my guts from within the depths of my gastrointestinal cavity? Not even when I was having my burger at Burger King? You could have made me spill the Sprite at the least but no nothing. I must admit I was pretty scared at your inaction. Kind of like the lull before the storm. I will not lie about not enjoying your period of siesta but I did expect the computer to return my photo as an Interpol most wanted any time. Thanks for not ruining the Changi experience for me. It was amazing. You have a heart after all. Nice to know that.I guess you gave up on me kicking the bucket during this trip of mine inside Indonesia. Must admit I was pretty cagey all the way to bed that night in the guest house. Half expected the AC to blow in my face or the fan to crash on the bed at the least but I guess you have decided that I am too important a source of entertainment to be let go of so easily. So I hope that the show was to your liking. Pleased to be of service. And I know you wouldn’t hesitate to call on me but could you cancel me out of your schedule for tonight? Am meeting a long time friend and he does not know about our special Jester-Master relationship. Would hate to get him involved in it. After all he is not named Saurabh Dey is he?
Place: A weirdly named building called Puncak marina on the island of Java more specifically in a place called Surabaya and very specifically on the 16th floor of this particular building and to be Google Map specific, the double bed in the master bedroom of the apartment numbered 5 by the Foul mouthing (read Bahasa speaking) management of this building presently occupied by Yours truly…
Time of start of catastrophe: noon, 15th June, 1982 (oops I forgot we were talking about this particular event and not the cause of all troubles of the world. Cancel that one out. Do send me cards if you will to celebrate your superiority over at least one specimen of the humanoid species on this particular date every year) anyway correct that last piece of information to read 6:30 a.m.
Dear God,
This is for your kind information that iPod and me have safely landed in India. I hope this letter finds you in the pink of health though I am sure that the news of me plaguing the country of Bapu on his 136th birth anniversary will not leave you in the best of spirits but for that travesty of fate kindly direct your wrath on the Singapore Airlines not me. I can see that you have already bombed Bali to express your displeasure against the fact that the confounded country was unable to snuff out my existence when it had the chance and please accept my condolences in this hour of grief for you. Better luck next time.
At the risk of inviting further wrath (like that has a chance of getting bet on) may I congratulate you on some pretty commendable minions that you sent across to make my journey back home a living hell but I guess your torture school will have to up the ante a little to extinguish this plague. The entire routine of getting me late in the morning by making me forget to set my alarm on the one day that mattered was an absolute stroke of genius I must admit. And may I take this opportunity to tender my apologies for starting the day with three unforgivable F***(s) but a man has to motivate himself after all. And while we are in the process of mutual admiration, you must admit that I outdid myself by turning in the apartment at the cost of just one broken glass within half an hour and within the security deposit. You must have really felt bad on seeing that superintendent have to let me go without laying a finger on me and accepting the apartment back but you did live to fight another hour didn’t you?
I must say that I was surprised to find that you didn’t go to the lengths of depriving me of a taxi at the opportune moment or at the least bring down the mother of all traffic jams to leave me stranded without even the linguistic capabilities to mouth communicative expletives to the people that mattered. Now that you look at it, I think you realize that was the biggest mistake wasn’t it? You could have had me right there. But hindsight is after all 20/20. No harm done. I must admit though that you did more than make up for your mistake there.
Ready though I was for your Halloween tricks on the airport, I did not appreciate that one about making me trudge the entire length of the place without any one game for dumb charades. That was a cheap shot but I guess we do have to be bigger men and look over this. I forgive you for that. I would really like to know though your thoughts at the time I discovered that your camouflaged entrance. I am sure it must have been disappointment to see me achieve that task without the need for Hercules but I guess I did provide enough entertainment later to help you get over the shock.
At this time I must acknowledge your brilliance. I mean that thing about you being the ultimate strategist does have some truth in it after all. I doubt if the worst Jaffars in history could have upped the following villainy. Stupendously fantastic I must admit. I mean who would have ever thought up of making me almost cry on account of the baggage that I was carrying. You are after all God aren’t you? You didn’t make me have excess baggage. No that wouldn’t have been your style. I mean where’s the supremacy in that? You, on the other hand presented me with an optimization problem. I must tell you though that I did not realize that you were spying on me sleeping in Mausi’s class. How else could you have known that Newton-Rhaphson iteration that she droned about and I only dreamt about would be the one thing that would save my life and I would of course not be armed with the correct tools for the occasion. Man I got to hand it to you. Let me just word the problem for the benefit of the uninitiated reader here
“Cabin bag plus check in luggage within the total weight limit. Check in baggage more than twice independent weight limit. Weights of shirts, pants, underpants, half used bars of soap inside cabin baggage unknown. Optimize the weight of the check in bag and the cabin bag so that the chief bitch of stewardesses would allow you to board the plane.”
I could have so made an excel sheet of the same problem but all I managed to make was a sight of myself. Sprawled on the floor of the check in counter with my bags spewing knickers and snackers all over the place, I could have cried if someone had just asked me to. That reminds me – thank you for not asking me to! An overly obese extremely dark unpolaroidworthy face has difficulty in justifying its presence in public as it is. Coupled with salty tear droplets and I am sure I would have nudged the Bali bomber from the top place in the news that day purely for disgust value.
Must have been a pretty sucky feeling to see your perfect plan go a begging and me walking into the lounge but well a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. No hard feelings I hope (I know that’s wishful thinking but no harm in applying to your better judgment is there?) Tell me something though, that spilling of the entire Pringle’s pack was planned or was that entirely on the spur of the moment? If I didn’t know you better I would say that you had planned this also but I guess this had you at your improvisational best written all across it. I guess seeing me do the mop up was a pretty satisfying experience but you would have definitely wanted to do much better.
What happened to you in Singapore? I mean an entire 4 hours and you didn’t conjure up any dark force to pick my guts from within the depths of my gastrointestinal cavity? Not even when I was having my burger at Burger King? You could have made me spill the Sprite at the least but no nothing. I must admit I was pretty scared at your inaction. Kind of like the lull before the storm. I will not lie about not enjoying your period of siesta but I did expect the computer to return my photo as an Interpol most wanted any time. Thanks for not ruining the Changi experience for me. It was amazing. You have a heart after all. Nice to know that.I guess you gave up on me kicking the bucket during this trip of mine inside Indonesia. Must admit I was pretty cagey all the way to bed that night in the guest house. Half expected the AC to blow in my face or the fan to crash on the bed at the least but I guess you have decided that I am too important a source of entertainment to be let go of so easily. So I hope that the show was to your liking. Pleased to be of service. And I know you wouldn’t hesitate to call on me but could you cancel me out of your schedule for tonight? Am meeting a long time friend and he does not know about our special Jester-Master relationship. Would hate to get him involved in it. After all he is not named Saurabh Dey is he?
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