The Sigma Protocol comes to Bollywood

I was just finishing up on Sigma Protocol by Robert Ludlum. To say the least I was hooked. Following the exploits of agent Anna Navarro and Ben Hartman crisscrossing through Europe and America, I actually felt quite sad when the book ended. I had almost gotten used to the last minute edge of the seat turn of events and just when either of my two favorite characters (of course hero and heroine) found themselves at the wrong end of the gun barrel/pole/knife (Swiss army as well as the normal kitchen)/sniper gun/shoe/hammer/knuckle/grenade, my faith in god was justly rewarded by their timely extraction to safety. I was truly bitter when my hero’s twin brother had his brains splayed all over the cabin and his lovely wife had to die in the cabin explosion. I am not quite sure about my emotions in the latter one though because my hero escaped unhurt and it eliminated a probable love interest (you know lovely distraught twin brother’s wife, obligation to protect, etc) thereby avoiding any complications. I had my heart already set on Anna Navarro as the heroin. Period. I totally agree with Ludlum on this one.
As the book ended I thought of it in the context of a movie (am still not sure whether they have actually made one or not) and not the usual slick Hollywood production with Ben Afleck (Matt Damon was already taken as Jason Bourne so I chose the next best one) playing the wronged Ben Hartman and Eva Mendes (Latino, hot, DOJ agent.. ok disregard the last requirement and do the math) turning up as Ms Navarro and joining them would of course be John Voigt as Dr. Lenz (German, man of steely resolve and amazing temperament… I think we have our man). Instead I dreamt up of this plot in our very own desi Bollywood pot boiler version. Here’s how it goes:
Zurich and Vienna can retain their places (for obvious want of foreign locales and lesser headache for scriptwriters) in the script but of course New York and Hartman Capital Management would have to be replaced by Mumbai and Parekh Industries (just makes me wonder how many films have we had where the rich heroes have taken refuge behind this ubiquitous word “industries” without any rhyme or reason explaining what it is that the industry is engaged in. Whether it sells T shirts or car radiators!! Nothing. Zilch. Just the omnipresent ABC industries – the biggest most respected firm in all of India with over 20000 staff and offices in all the capitals in the world. Yeah that profile sounds ok). The premise of world management and control of human history post the Second World War through a corporate tie up across enemy lines sounds flimsy to me in the Indian context. Here it is that the writers will have to work overtime but I guess the situation can be easily remedied by setting up an economic tie up between the founding fathers of Pakistan and India and setting up some diabolical scheme to control all the events that have shaped the history of the 2 nations so far through means of corporate stratagems. So we will have some emotional heart rending scenes from the Bombay blasts and Kashmir violence while the unscrupulous businessmen in the background would be shaking hands and having an underground lair meeting in the Swiss Alps. Now that the basic plot is somewhat set, we must turn our attention to the cast and crew. Here’s my pick for the same

• Ben Hartman – Raj Parekh (The first part of the name guarantees commercial success and the surname… well.. because I have already named the industries as Parekh Industries in the preceding lines) played by Abhishek Bachhan (yeah baby B)
• Anna Navarro – Priya Joshi (Mumbaikar honest female Crime Branch officers are so much more acceptable and believable. I think the name should stick) played by Preity Zinta (I would have begged for Gayatri Joshi but just because the surnames match doesn’t mean that I should give personal preferences priority over pragmatism. After all we are making a commercially viable venture here)
• Max Hartman – Dinanath Parekh ( The name itself justifies the philanthropy part and I know you must be thinking Big B because of Abhishek in the role of Ben but wait, I have better use for him.) played by Amrish Puri (no explanations required or given)
• Dr. Lenz – ( so tempted to go for Mogambo or Dong or Shakaal but I fear that era is passé) Dr Lee ( I could have easily portrayed someone from the wrong side of Sutlej in this role with the all pervading surname but thought against it in the summer of our friendship. So if Sutlej wouldn’t do the trick, Mansarovar it had to be) played by Naseeruddin Shah (I can just feel the steely glint in his eyes as he slips into the role of the scheming genius. I know there’s this small problem about the nationality part but that can be so easily explained by the fact that he knows all about genetics and has matched his appearances with the normal gentry found in the region of his heroics. For extra effect we can throw in some terms like protoplasmic nucleofusion and mitochondrial intermission. What say? ).
• Alan Bartlett – Commissioner Vijay Chauhan (I think I have revealed the actor beyond any doubts whatsoever).

The rest of the cast can just amble in and out whenever they want though I would love Rani Mukherjee to make a cameo reprising the role of Maya (Leisl) and Milind Gunaji as the utterly-irritating-refusing-to-die assassin Suleiman (“The Architect”).

For bringing the venture to the screen I would not trust any one other than Rahul Rawail. Who else can handle the subject with the required amount of maturity and subtlety (see Jo Bole so Nihaal if you have any doubts on the matter). Of course the movie has to have at least 6 songs for Venus cassettes and TIPs industries to file their income tax returns at the end of the year. So we must have one of bereavement right in the opening sequences when Raj is remembering his twin Ram killed in the plane crash. We can have another one echoing the sentiments of betrayal and confusion as Raj escapes and Maya dies. Introduction of Suleiman can be met with a dhinchak item song (there we have even accommodated Koena Mitra in the script) in a Mumbai dance bar (see we even addressed burning social issues in the film. For further current affairs relevance and filing for tax benefit we could probably rope in Muralitharan and Aditya Panscholi to make a guest appearance in this song and Koena Mitra could be listed in the telephone directory under T). Surely a love song is not out of context in the hotel room between Raj and Priya and wouldn’t the audience feel deprived if Raj weren’t to have a signature tune to signal to Priya that he had come to save her from the Jail-cum-castle-cum-evil laboratory-cum-lair extraordinaire of Dr Lee? To round up the list of possibilities of remixes, we must have a blaring, in your face, bass thumping opening score (what better time to jangle the audience’s nerves than the very opening).

And before I end, I mustn't forget to name the venture. My pick for it is "Fisaddi Joshilay" though you can definitely suggest some better ones. Leave that to the higher echelons

There.. that more or less rounds up my contribution towards this year’s revenue for Bollywood. For further queries read the book by Robert Ludlum or go and drown yourself (not much of a difference in the experience really)